How do you deal with death?

and how to introduce the concept to your kids

by EK Wills

© acrylic of Bondi Beach by EK Wills

This holiday period has been a mixture of good times and learning experiences.

Our friends visited from overseas after not having seen them for many years and all of our kids got along famously plus Sydney did not disappoint with scorching temperatures set to sizzle a tourist and Aussie alike.

But both of these occurrences provided opportunity to learn about the often taboo topic of mortality.

Firstly, our visitors openly discussed the recent treatment for breast cancer of our close friend. She is unusually practical and grounded so able to talk freely about her experience.

During the whole ordeal, they had openly involved their 12 and 13 year old girls in the process so they knew what was happening and what their mother was experiencing.

When she lost her hair due to chemotherapy, the girls helped to shave her head, aiming to normalize the event and not leave anything to misunderstanding.

Not everyone is able to do this and may need to process the information as an individual or couple initially before extending this to the family. Or they may choose to keep more distressing information from the children in an attempt to protect them.

But it’s ok for your child to see that you are sad or upset. And, as an extension of that, it is an opportunity to explain your feelings, for example, “I’m sad because Mum is not well and will need to have some intense treatment to help her to get better”.

This family was lucky because the outcome has been good but when times are bad, children may need some coping skills to navigate the grieving process.

Here are some things parents can do:

1.     listen and comfort – expect differing reactions and allow space for that

2.     encourage your child to put their emotions into words by talking about yours

3.     talk about rituals like funerals and viewings – explain what will happen at these

4.     give your child a role to engage actively if they wish to eg. take flowers, make a gift

Pets can provide a softer introduction to death because their lifespan is not as long as people’s.

We have lost fish before, but this summer we lost a chicken in the heat wave that held Sydney captive for days (she wasn’t as healthy as the surviving one). Although it is not an animal that we cuddle, she was a part of our family life as well as a provider of daily eggs.

© water colour by Coco Reid

from graphic novel

When we, as parents, discovered her, we had to think about how to handle this with the kids. It was a Sunday and we hadn’t had to deal with the death of a large pet before. So, while my husband gently put her in a newspaper-lined box, I called to see if a vet was open and whether they would take her.

I needed to find out specifics like whether there was a fee to dispose of an animal and how that would happen. There are different levels of achieving the same outcome. A dear pet can have an individualized cremation or, as in our case, the vet will take the animal and the council then have a mass service for animals, at a smaller fee.

Next we had to tell the children. We gathered them together and discussed that on the news it warns that hot weather is dangerous for little children and for the elderly. Then we went on to say that the same was true for animals. When we told them, we took them out to see her in her resting box so they could say goodbye. We discussed where we were going to take her and what would happen to her, as well as asking who would like to come along for the trip. Only one of the three decided to attend and this can be reflective of how attached they are to the pet and/or their coping style.

Every child can have a different reaction and every family will deal with it in their own way. Ideally, children will have the chance to express their feelings in the face of loss, especially as we are often not exposed to it as much in our modern society.

Have you had to deal with this sensitive topic with your children?

Did you feel prepared enough to do it?